I have recently been struggling with my anxiety and coping with my fears of abandonment. To all those reading this blog, its not an easy thing to deal with. Its pretty deep rooted and complex and probably goes back to one's childhood. As a single child of two working parents, i grew up well provided for, but not emotionally well supported. Since i had trouble with weight i was an introvert and that led to a lot of void in my life.
Come college and with that things became more complex, i was in hostels, rotten place to be especially the overcrowded ones, was away from home, felt lonely and of course my field of study was of no interest to me at all. So finally i ended up with a lot of conflicts, hurts, lot of emotional turmoil and a lot of void and broken relationships. Yay for some cos they get out of it sooner or later but nay for me because somewhere it made me severely codependent of a personality.
Cant assert, cant value myself, cant be confident and really keep brimming with anxiety of what next than knowing i can handle issues.that life throws at me. And the frequent validating, am i right? You think that's a good thing to do? Once or twice is OK but when it gets to a loss of confidence in your actions it's a big problem. Why am i writing this? Oh yes if there is ever a person who has self sabotaged themselves beyond recognition then i am probably the one you might wanna talk to. To all the people who come across my blog i want to give hope. After all that i have been through, the fighter in me wants to get up again not give up and keep trying.
You can too! And here is how i try it everyday:
1) Look at the mirror and tell yourself that you love and accept yourself the way you are. Accept that you have flaws and that its human and that you can choose to work on the ones that are really pulling you down. Everything can be worked upon so dont loose heart.
2) You are beautiful and you have your own talents, try to see the good in you than being overtly self critical.
3) People in your life are not the parameters of how good/lovable/acceptable you are as a person. In fact they follow if you treat yourself good, love yourself and accept yourself. Relationships are not the end of your life and never bend over backwards to keep people in your life, sometimes its better that you let go of some people so that it paves the way for meeting better people in your life. At the cos of sounding calculative, know who is a keeper and who needs to go, it will really take you a great distance.
4) When you have a situation, don't be afraid, confront it in an assertive manner. If it goes bad then have the acceptance that probably the other person overreacted and its OK to convey what you don't agree with rather than not expressing it at all.
5) Set boundaries with people, in any exchange that you see its always give and take, don't do all the giving while the taking is near to zero. Somewhere something's gotta give and yes you deserve it just like you do feel that the other person deserved it. Never say yes to please or keep quiet to not to stir up a problem. That is not the solution. Instead learn to say a respectful no and dont feel guilty.
6) Be kind to yourself the next time you fail. Analyze it then as to what gave way to the setback and learn from it and move on. Important part is to learn and not just letting go without any learning. That will never solve any purpose.
I am sure it will help some people if not all of you guys. What matters the most in anything you do is to be positive and not let things get to you. So what if you have a problem? Recognizing the problem is half the solution. Consciously working on it will help resolve any problem in your life. A simple example that i would give is that i was math challenged as a kid and i had to put in a lot of effort to pass my exams. So i developed a simple solution, i knew realistically that i cant at all pick up math in one day and score well, so i would read up chapters that i am extremely confident about first and then give a lot of time to go through what was difficult. I would never loose out marks in chapters i was confident about and it would get me to pass my exams. Moral of the story: work with your limitations, that said i never said don't aim higher!
Come college and with that things became more complex, i was in hostels, rotten place to be especially the overcrowded ones, was away from home, felt lonely and of course my field of study was of no interest to me at all. So finally i ended up with a lot of conflicts, hurts, lot of emotional turmoil and a lot of void and broken relationships. Yay for some cos they get out of it sooner or later but nay for me because somewhere it made me severely codependent of a personality.
Cant assert, cant value myself, cant be confident and really keep brimming with anxiety of what next than knowing i can handle issues.that life throws at me. And the frequent validating, am i right? You think that's a good thing to do? Once or twice is OK but when it gets to a loss of confidence in your actions it's a big problem. Why am i writing this? Oh yes if there is ever a person who has self sabotaged themselves beyond recognition then i am probably the one you might wanna talk to. To all the people who come across my blog i want to give hope. After all that i have been through, the fighter in me wants to get up again not give up and keep trying.
You can too! And here is how i try it everyday:
1) Look at the mirror and tell yourself that you love and accept yourself the way you are. Accept that you have flaws and that its human and that you can choose to work on the ones that are really pulling you down. Everything can be worked upon so dont loose heart.
2) You are beautiful and you have your own talents, try to see the good in you than being overtly self critical.
3) People in your life are not the parameters of how good/lovable/acceptable you are as a person. In fact they follow if you treat yourself good, love yourself and accept yourself. Relationships are not the end of your life and never bend over backwards to keep people in your life, sometimes its better that you let go of some people so that it paves the way for meeting better people in your life. At the cos of sounding calculative, know who is a keeper and who needs to go, it will really take you a great distance.
4) When you have a situation, don't be afraid, confront it in an assertive manner. If it goes bad then have the acceptance that probably the other person overreacted and its OK to convey what you don't agree with rather than not expressing it at all.
5) Set boundaries with people, in any exchange that you see its always give and take, don't do all the giving while the taking is near to zero. Somewhere something's gotta give and yes you deserve it just like you do feel that the other person deserved it. Never say yes to please or keep quiet to not to stir up a problem. That is not the solution. Instead learn to say a respectful no and dont feel guilty.
6) Be kind to yourself the next time you fail. Analyze it then as to what gave way to the setback and learn from it and move on. Important part is to learn and not just letting go without any learning. That will never solve any purpose.
I am sure it will help some people if not all of you guys. What matters the most in anything you do is to be positive and not let things get to you. So what if you have a problem? Recognizing the problem is half the solution. Consciously working on it will help resolve any problem in your life. A simple example that i would give is that i was math challenged as a kid and i had to put in a lot of effort to pass my exams. So i developed a simple solution, i knew realistically that i cant at all pick up math in one day and score well, so i would read up chapters that i am extremely confident about first and then give a lot of time to go through what was difficult. I would never loose out marks in chapters i was confident about and it would get me to pass my exams. Moral of the story: work with your limitations, that said i never said don't aim higher!
3 comments:
I am sure you're following the same you've advised.
I'm not sure if all the words you have spilled here are true or some kind of imagination, but trust me, everything you have written here is very common with human beings, but with few points i think, the time has changed, one has to be aggressive with what he aims and determined enough to achieve the goal, lastly i feel that we must calculate the things with some buffer at place, so if i have to achieve 90% i must aim for 95% or above so that i finish at 90%....Anyway good to see that you have explored something new in your life..
@Anonymous: Yes, to a certain level i am... Its coupling a lot of milestones, at least i have crossed halfway mark and i am on recovery :)
Thanks anyway.
Max: Yes as human beings we all want to be loved and accepted. Its the foundation for any social interaction. Like the basic physiological needs, one's psychological need has to be met. Let's not forget humans cannot survive in isolation, we need people.
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