After having experienced a continuous series of betrayals from the people who I loved and who I thought were supposed to Love me in return, I asked myself this question, on an early and dewy morning in Bangalore - Do I really need Love to Live? Idealism says yes but experience says hell no! Not after all this. You see when people in your life hand you such a bitter pill, you get over people and get full of yourself. Because frankly speaking, if you don't who else will?
I desire no sympathy, nor am I as vulnerable and naive as I once was. It was good to be that once but now it's good to be me, the me who I have become after the sum total of all my experiences in life. My answer to my question, I would like to keep it masked, but I am living pretty much without love and for once after 30 odd years, breaking the shackles that bound me in the name of love or whatever it was that I thought happened to befall me, I finally have started to Live!
You see when you love you cannot be selfish, you cannot be self centered, you cannot just care for yourself and spend on yourself, you don't get to play the lead in your lifestory - someone else leads you on and as I finally sipped my first sip of coffee after about a gap of a month I said to myself - I choose to live! I never lived, I need to live, fly, and just do whatever a free person ever did or could have done. Sometimes life is a game of reversals, rags to riches or riches to rags, happiness to a hovering sense of sadness or from never ending sadness to everlasting happiness and today I decided that I chose to live!
Understand that to live is not a crime and definitely not a shallow resignation to the cards that life hands over to you, it is about forgetting everything that happened so far and then doing whatever you thought you would do but never ever could because of love or life and then pass it on for the next best moment, and you try to do this bit by bit everyday. Today I enjoy a cup of coffee on a terrace, all by myself, watching over the greenery and the fading moon that is going to let a tiptoeing sun burst out in red in the black sky, in sometime, and in this moment I am not worrying about anything or anyone! LIBERATION is all in the moment, and whoever said it takes a single second to experience NIRVANA, was just about dead right!
I don't know what virtuous or upsetting cards my future will lay out for me, but then I don't have a love or a life anymore to worry about the handling... Because I finally LIVE. Sometimes life teaches you how to do that and sometimes you are wise enough to do that by fashion, I was taught that and 30 is not an odd age to learn that lesson, I have another 60 years to go, given that I haven't even crossed half the life I want to live. Some don't get to live till 30 and some live in the past, so I consider today my new birth where I will do as I please for the rest of my life. It's a very odd feeling, to feel this way, to muse whether you could also turn out like this but then what do you do about the things that you don't know that you don't know?
You don't know how you got here
You just know you want out
Believing in yourself
Almost as much as you doubt
You're a big smash
You wear it like a rash
Star
Bono says it all ....
No comments:
Post a Comment