I am a woman, yes that's pretty obvious. But I am a woman and not just a "Female" of the species in my society who has to abide by the illiterate social and moral laws that my countrymen have established over the years. We all know where this is heading, to the contrary I am not writing this post today to address the injustice that has been perpetrated by the people of my country and give them a lashing on the same.
NO! To everyone who reads this blog, I am writing this post today to give an endearing jolt to my fellow gender folk to really look at how they have been stupid enough to pass on value judgements on our type and be active participants for such differences and inequalities to arise in the first place! By that I am not suggesting you to divorce your men or treat your sons and brothers like mosses. NO! On the contrary I am making an open plea to every woman reading this post to empathize and fight for the rights of the women folk in their family/neighborhood/country. Fighting doesn't translate to violence nor does it translate to dharnas, but yes it does mean to speak up and defend our lots and to really openly side with what's right than sit and justify whatever wrong was done to them.
People reading this blog might say, what does she know, she thinks she is a know all who talks big. maybe! but if by my writing this blog even 10% of the lots who come across get affected, then my purpose would be solved! Some of us would shoot down my ideas by saying we are just ordinary women, what can we possibly do? Bada baaat karti hai, but nobody tried so far, so why not try meri badi baat and see if that helps?
I was the only one who dared to tell my uncle to give up smoking and drinking, as it was affecting his life and his family. I am the only person who openly empathized or cared for my cousin sister while the male of the family was being given more attention, at her cost sometimes.There are plenty of times that I have told my male friends that they are wrong in their relationships when they screw up and also told my brothers that they are insane in comparison to their wives, which by the way even they will agree with. And just so that I don't sound like a feminist, I have also openly stood up for a male friend, when an entire class of 40 odd students and a male teacher were ridiculing him for his effeminate behavior while I was in class 9. This is to not to boast about myself, but just talking big isn't my habit. I really have practiced this in my life. At times I have been prejudiced but yes I have course corrected myself upon realizing the same.
What we are today is a result of what we learn/un-learn or decided to follow/not follow after our experiences at home and in life, it is the atmosphere at home and outside that shapes our culture, values and ideologies. We do not have control over the environment but surely we do stand a chance to change things at home, before we speak of the same values to the world and expect some of them to follow the suit. Maybe that is why Mahatma Gandhi had so many followers, because he followed what he believed and how can you not have confidence in someone who follows his philosophy and ideologies and principles so closely? Its difficult to not to be impressed isn't it?
I have seen lots of women sit and cry and whine as to how they are being mistreated/misunderstood and a lot of misses but what they fail to forget is that at times they too are a part of the problem. If you want respect/equality/equanimity/better treatment/rights or whatever then you ought to create an environment where such things are pro you. Don't sit and criticize the women folk in your family when some problem arises in their life, don't sit there and character assassinate them, don't sit and fight for your husband/brother/son/father etc when its not justified. Learn to look at things beyond a relationship and judgement and then see if injustice is being meted out. That's what men folks do! And that's where we have been failing so far. And please, if men in this society can get away with certain follies then let us not judge the chastity or the character of a woman if we commit the same. If we don't broaden our thinking how will the men think any different? Aren't we stupidly supporting things that should not be supported in the first place? To all the daughters: You are responsible for your parents even after your marriage! You cannot dust them off saying PARAYI ho gayi! NO. To all the sons: Just like you owe it to your parents and are responsible for taking care of them, so is it your wife's responsibility to take care of hers. Do give them that freedom.
AND To all the PARENTS: Stop telling your kids, kyunki wo bhaiyya hai or kyunki tu badi hai or choti hai! Stop saying stupid stuff like "Hum apni beti ke yahan pani tak nahi pee sakte", Your son in law is like an inherited son and unless you don't give that signal that your daughter is not a burden on her in laws, nobody will! The same applies to your daughters in law as well... AND for god's sake, just because you have a son it doesn't mean you screw up his life to fend for yours. I am not saying that you should expect to be thrown out, but have realistic expectations once your child has his own family. Let us not be a burden but support for them and let it get happily reciprocated. And yeah this brings me to the most controversial subject: Dowry!
It's not a sin to give dowry to your daughters! YES NOT A SIN, because your daughters do not inherit any property at all! In fact they are dusted off as some responsibility and people try to save money on marriages! And if the guy doesn't take any WALLAH! He is the epitome of greatness, although there is something totally wrong with this kind of thinking! a) Your daughter goes out to some family without any money/inheritance which is an inequality in the first place b) Say if things went bad for her tomorrow there is nothing that she has of her own to give her that security and independence that she can walk out of a bad marriage and c) At a very logical level this is in itself very supportive of the gender differences and inequalities that arise as such in India!
Solution to this is pretty easy: REGARDLESS OF THE GENDER OF YOUR OFFSPRING, HAVE THE SENSIBILITY TO DIVIDE THE PROPERTY EQUALLY AMONG ALL YOUR CHILDREN! I SURELY WILL IN FUTURE!
Next time if there is an injustice, don't be a mute spectator to the man in the family, listen and try and tell whats wrong with the perspective if at all its wrong. And Mothers, especially in my country need to be less biased and possessive about their sons and look at things as they are and put themselves in the same situation and then think if whatever is happening to their daughters in law is what they would have really liked to bear in the first place. Often times women are expected to behave like self sacrificing mute cows, which I am sorry to say none of our old Hindu textbooks support! Its a mindset that changed somewhere in the middle ages and which has been detrimental to the progress of humanity since time immemorial. Something which is a challenge to overcome even today.
So let us wise up, let us treat other women better, nobody is characterless if they don't meet certain standards, nobody is bold if they end up speaking their minds, because men do not judge each other like that, so lets not self sabotage our own sisterhood. And let us pass on the concept of fairness and respect for other women in our families to whatever extent possible, to our men. To make them aware that they too are here because a woman gave her all to bear the pain to nourish them in her womb and then take care of them. That every woman deserves the same respect and love. That women are better halves and not the other halves! That they contribute as well and that their contribution needs to be respected than be thought of as burden.
To every new parent and old alike - a girl child doesn't mean a burden but a beautiful child who is emotionally caring towards her parents, that a male child does not mean continuity of a family bloodline in an age where the is no remote value in doing so, where every one has gained equal status regardless of the caste/religion and status and its not family continuity that matters now, but things like good values and talent. That a male child doesn't mean end all of your purpose and that NEITHER OF THE GENDER IS ABOVE THE OTHER! That they are THE BETTER HALF of someone's life. That differences persist at a biological/physical and mental level and those have to be utilized in a positive manner and not discriminated against. That a single woman is not a burden and incomplete, even though she earns and takes care of herself whilst a single man in the same scenario is labeled as disinterested in family life.
That a man can become an ascetic but not a woman, which by the way our religious texts say is allowed as they have named a few brahmacharinis and swaminis in the ancient texts. And that our vedas do talk about the necessity of an intelligent woman who is the basic foundation for any family to progress! Let us read further than go backwards and sit with some stupid mindset which was passed on by our conquerors and revised as per their liking. And let us not nail hindutva for it, for I went back to the vedas to look for proof of the same and read the importance a gurumata/mother and a wife has in shaping a person and family and making it successful. Like the vedas say, before a sadhak begins his worship of any of the trimurtis, he should first worship Shakti, the supreme being, else his sadhana is incomplete. For it is shakti that completes the trimurtis and its her divine love, blessing and gentle motherly care that gets the sadhak what he/she truly seeks.
Unless we women do not develop such thinking and in our children, there is very less we can do to gain equality in the society. Do it for the future, for the women of the next generation, for your daughters and for the mothers that they will become. Let us not pass on what we did not like or would have wanted to change! That is the true measure of the progress of any society and not just things like education or materialistic gains. Let us teach! Let us be the real Mothers/Sisters and Friends/Daughters that we should be than get carried away by the useless yarn this society has spun in the name of INDIAN CULTURE! Let us look back and really teach this culture in its real form than sit with that cowardice. Let us not tell our sons that they are entitled to Dowry or they are the fore bearers of our dignity but tell them that they should make themselves deserving of a woman who is their equal and who can take care of them and vice-versa, and it is the woman who is needed to complete their lives just like you did for some man! That education, love and dignity is every person's right and that both a man and woman have the responsibility to contribute towards the family and not just one person.
If we can see a dowry less tomorrow, a rape-less country where the rapists come with blasphemous statements like "she invited the rape" and people supporting the same nonsense, if we support the victim than pass moral judgement for crimes against women, if we can see less female infanticides, more girl children going to schools and colleges and see a society which respects the rights of its women than shame them for a wrong that they were not responsible, I think that tomorrow would be worth seeing. I might sound like a dreamer but nobody accomplished anything big without dreaming big. Maybe someone someday reads this again and says, yeah she was correct, until then I do not mind being the wrong person who has crazy ideas.
Let us get our daughters the respect they deserve, our sisters their rights and our mothers the love they should be rightfully given. If we change our perspective, I am sure so will our society! That is my expectation from every woman around me, including me!!
From a very Non-conformist woman....
NO! To everyone who reads this blog, I am writing this post today to give an endearing jolt to my fellow gender folk to really look at how they have been stupid enough to pass on value judgements on our type and be active participants for such differences and inequalities to arise in the first place! By that I am not suggesting you to divorce your men or treat your sons and brothers like mosses. NO! On the contrary I am making an open plea to every woman reading this post to empathize and fight for the rights of the women folk in their family/neighborhood/country. Fighting doesn't translate to violence nor does it translate to dharnas, but yes it does mean to speak up and defend our lots and to really openly side with what's right than sit and justify whatever wrong was done to them.
People reading this blog might say, what does she know, she thinks she is a know all who talks big. maybe! but if by my writing this blog even 10% of the lots who come across get affected, then my purpose would be solved! Some of us would shoot down my ideas by saying we are just ordinary women, what can we possibly do? Bada baaat karti hai, but nobody tried so far, so why not try meri badi baat and see if that helps?
I was the only one who dared to tell my uncle to give up smoking and drinking, as it was affecting his life and his family. I am the only person who openly empathized or cared for my cousin sister while the male of the family was being given more attention, at her cost sometimes.There are plenty of times that I have told my male friends that they are wrong in their relationships when they screw up and also told my brothers that they are insane in comparison to their wives, which by the way even they will agree with. And just so that I don't sound like a feminist, I have also openly stood up for a male friend, when an entire class of 40 odd students and a male teacher were ridiculing him for his effeminate behavior while I was in class 9. This is to not to boast about myself, but just talking big isn't my habit. I really have practiced this in my life. At times I have been prejudiced but yes I have course corrected myself upon realizing the same.
What we are today is a result of what we learn/un-learn or decided to follow/not follow after our experiences at home and in life, it is the atmosphere at home and outside that shapes our culture, values and ideologies. We do not have control over the environment but surely we do stand a chance to change things at home, before we speak of the same values to the world and expect some of them to follow the suit. Maybe that is why Mahatma Gandhi had so many followers, because he followed what he believed and how can you not have confidence in someone who follows his philosophy and ideologies and principles so closely? Its difficult to not to be impressed isn't it?
I have seen lots of women sit and cry and whine as to how they are being mistreated/misunderstood and a lot of misses but what they fail to forget is that at times they too are a part of the problem. If you want respect/equality/equanimity/better treatment/rights or whatever then you ought to create an environment where such things are pro you. Don't sit and criticize the women folk in your family when some problem arises in their life, don't sit there and character assassinate them, don't sit and fight for your husband/brother/son/father etc when its not justified. Learn to look at things beyond a relationship and judgement and then see if injustice is being meted out. That's what men folks do! And that's where we have been failing so far. And please, if men in this society can get away with certain follies then let us not judge the chastity or the character of a woman if we commit the same. If we don't broaden our thinking how will the men think any different? Aren't we stupidly supporting things that should not be supported in the first place? To all the daughters: You are responsible for your parents even after your marriage! You cannot dust them off saying PARAYI ho gayi! NO. To all the sons: Just like you owe it to your parents and are responsible for taking care of them, so is it your wife's responsibility to take care of hers. Do give them that freedom.
AND To all the PARENTS: Stop telling your kids, kyunki wo bhaiyya hai or kyunki tu badi hai or choti hai! Stop saying stupid stuff like "Hum apni beti ke yahan pani tak nahi pee sakte", Your son in law is like an inherited son and unless you don't give that signal that your daughter is not a burden on her in laws, nobody will! The same applies to your daughters in law as well... AND for god's sake, just because you have a son it doesn't mean you screw up his life to fend for yours. I am not saying that you should expect to be thrown out, but have realistic expectations once your child has his own family. Let us not be a burden but support for them and let it get happily reciprocated. And yeah this brings me to the most controversial subject: Dowry!
It's not a sin to give dowry to your daughters! YES NOT A SIN, because your daughters do not inherit any property at all! In fact they are dusted off as some responsibility and people try to save money on marriages! And if the guy doesn't take any WALLAH! He is the epitome of greatness, although there is something totally wrong with this kind of thinking! a) Your daughter goes out to some family without any money/inheritance which is an inequality in the first place b) Say if things went bad for her tomorrow there is nothing that she has of her own to give her that security and independence that she can walk out of a bad marriage and c) At a very logical level this is in itself very supportive of the gender differences and inequalities that arise as such in India!
Solution to this is pretty easy: REGARDLESS OF THE GENDER OF YOUR OFFSPRING, HAVE THE SENSIBILITY TO DIVIDE THE PROPERTY EQUALLY AMONG ALL YOUR CHILDREN! I SURELY WILL IN FUTURE!
Next time if there is an injustice, don't be a mute spectator to the man in the family, listen and try and tell whats wrong with the perspective if at all its wrong. And Mothers, especially in my country need to be less biased and possessive about their sons and look at things as they are and put themselves in the same situation and then think if whatever is happening to their daughters in law is what they would have really liked to bear in the first place. Often times women are expected to behave like self sacrificing mute cows, which I am sorry to say none of our old Hindu textbooks support! Its a mindset that changed somewhere in the middle ages and which has been detrimental to the progress of humanity since time immemorial. Something which is a challenge to overcome even today.
So let us wise up, let us treat other women better, nobody is characterless if they don't meet certain standards, nobody is bold if they end up speaking their minds, because men do not judge each other like that, so lets not self sabotage our own sisterhood. And let us pass on the concept of fairness and respect for other women in our families to whatever extent possible, to our men. To make them aware that they too are here because a woman gave her all to bear the pain to nourish them in her womb and then take care of them. That every woman deserves the same respect and love. That women are better halves and not the other halves! That they contribute as well and that their contribution needs to be respected than be thought of as burden.
To every new parent and old alike - a girl child doesn't mean a burden but a beautiful child who is emotionally caring towards her parents, that a male child does not mean continuity of a family bloodline in an age where the is no remote value in doing so, where every one has gained equal status regardless of the caste/religion and status and its not family continuity that matters now, but things like good values and talent. That a male child doesn't mean end all of your purpose and that NEITHER OF THE GENDER IS ABOVE THE OTHER! That they are THE BETTER HALF of someone's life. That differences persist at a biological/physical and mental level and those have to be utilized in a positive manner and not discriminated against. That a single woman is not a burden and incomplete, even though she earns and takes care of herself whilst a single man in the same scenario is labeled as disinterested in family life.
That a man can become an ascetic but not a woman, which by the way our religious texts say is allowed as they have named a few brahmacharinis and swaminis in the ancient texts. And that our vedas do talk about the necessity of an intelligent woman who is the basic foundation for any family to progress! Let us read further than go backwards and sit with some stupid mindset which was passed on by our conquerors and revised as per their liking. And let us not nail hindutva for it, for I went back to the vedas to look for proof of the same and read the importance a gurumata/mother and a wife has in shaping a person and family and making it successful. Like the vedas say, before a sadhak begins his worship of any of the trimurtis, he should first worship Shakti, the supreme being, else his sadhana is incomplete. For it is shakti that completes the trimurtis and its her divine love, blessing and gentle motherly care that gets the sadhak what he/she truly seeks.
Unless we women do not develop such thinking and in our children, there is very less we can do to gain equality in the society. Do it for the future, for the women of the next generation, for your daughters and for the mothers that they will become. Let us not pass on what we did not like or would have wanted to change! That is the true measure of the progress of any society and not just things like education or materialistic gains. Let us teach! Let us be the real Mothers/Sisters and Friends/Daughters that we should be than get carried away by the useless yarn this society has spun in the name of INDIAN CULTURE! Let us look back and really teach this culture in its real form than sit with that cowardice. Let us not tell our sons that they are entitled to Dowry or they are the fore bearers of our dignity but tell them that they should make themselves deserving of a woman who is their equal and who can take care of them and vice-versa, and it is the woman who is needed to complete their lives just like you did for some man! That education, love and dignity is every person's right and that both a man and woman have the responsibility to contribute towards the family and not just one person.
If we can see a dowry less tomorrow, a rape-less country where the rapists come with blasphemous statements like "she invited the rape" and people supporting the same nonsense, if we support the victim than pass moral judgement for crimes against women, if we can see less female infanticides, more girl children going to schools and colleges and see a society which respects the rights of its women than shame them for a wrong that they were not responsible, I think that tomorrow would be worth seeing. I might sound like a dreamer but nobody accomplished anything big without dreaming big. Maybe someone someday reads this again and says, yeah she was correct, until then I do not mind being the wrong person who has crazy ideas.
Let us get our daughters the respect they deserve, our sisters their rights and our mothers the love they should be rightfully given. If we change our perspective, I am sure so will our society! That is my expectation from every woman around me, including me!!
From a very Non-conformist woman....
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