I am in a state of limbo since the past few weeks, where nothing around me holds great significance or could make me feel attached to. Having experienced varied emotions from a very young age especially the negative ones, I think I have come to a point of exhaustion. I don't have the energy to react to anything anymore, not in a bad sense but I don't see any worth in it.
It is another form of renunciation where you don't willingly do it, but your circumstances make you experience it. I am not giving up like I am a looser, else I wouldn't have chosen to live my today and work for the tomorrows to come but it all looks deeply unnecessary. Money? I don't care if I died with a zero balance tomorrow or got robbed. Gold? Why do people even wear any ornaments? To look good? As a status symbol? I don't care about either of the two anymore, not that I look like a rag picker, but to me what matters more is an ornate speech and a spirituality and some peace of mind. I could not care more about someone else's life anyways nor do I care whether I am being liked or disliked.
To me relations are now formed because we as humans love permanency, and one way to make sure that we as a socially developed species are secure from being isolated, is to have people around us. The ones we call our near and dear ones who will take care of us in bad days and share our joy in good times. Surprisingly if we had to live like the way the animal world does we will not have any of these relationships because then that means every other individual is a competitor. Thankfully we have thinking capacities which probably make us want more, our hormones that make us want to connect lest we feel depressed and thinking faculties that are more developed than what the animals have.
I happened to listen to a speech by J Krishnamurthy, and its interesting as to what he has to say about things like love: Its bullshit! Because there is no oneness in love, since it arises from our attachment to objects, people or ideas. It involves two people than bring about oneness. I sat there listening to what he was saying and it made sense, it all is rooted in the I, the self. I do not know whether I should be really telling someone that I love them, for what is attached to true love is selflessness. Not really sure if I have been there, because most of the times I have expected emotional support and understanding from those whom I love. These are expectations as well and no there is no selflessness in it.
The other day a friend of mine tried to take an upper hand and insult me, for a moment I chose to introspect, most of these insults arise from either a sense of superiority, anger, disregard for the other person or bitterness. All emotions! All because of the sense of I. Of course after my realization I did not choose to keep quiet, I retorted with an equally snide remark. But perhaps that's when it struck me that that's the difference between any saint and I. Because they are not attached to the self, they have mastered the art of detachment so quite naturally they do not even consider an insult to them as an insult. Because the I is missing!
Chapter 4 of the Gita has been extremely influential in shaping my thoughts lately, it merely asks you to live your life like a spectator and not get attached to it. I have been able to look at my life more objectively than look at it with all those emotions and feelings. My bitterness has gone, my toils do not make me feel exhausted and the humiliation or pain that I suffered is eroding slowly. And at the same time, my achievements or good times in life just look like something that came across my way, by god's grace and are not necessarily permanent. So it leaves me feeling more content than being unhappy about anything in my life that has spiraled downwards so far. It's not a pessimistic way of looking at life, it is a more non attached way of looking at it.
What are people? Souls that never die but are reborn to fulfill their purpose in this life. My association with them might be permanent or impermanent, but then that's the way you get closer to your purpose, at least because of what you experience. I am born in this material plane so of course I have to make sure that I afford whatever I need for my survival, but that big car or this great house all of a sudden has started sounding very petty to me. When there is nobody to compete with, all these things just become insignificant. I want to better myself but my goals are not the materialistic kinds anymore, they are intangible.
We all love to say I am different, for a second it makes me chuckle. Because we all deny the very basic need that has been conditioned in us and that is to fit in to the norms of the society. How then are we different when what we desire is what the rest of the world does as well? That great job, that awesome house, this awesome car, a beloved who is caring, kids that are endearing etc. I am not trying to discourage anyone but it's a fact that what we aspire for is what we are taught and not because it's an innate feeling. How is it any different than someone else's dreams? Barring the little choices I think most of us have almost the copy of everyone elses' needs and wants.
Until now I thought I had a different purpose - I just wanted to be happy! Wow... pretty broad but it stems from the same needs, the same security of a job, a house, family, happy relationships and fitting in with the society or a group. So in what way am I any different? I am sure I would have got a few people thinking by now.
I do not have a very clear purpose of writing this blog today, it just came out of a need to express what's going on inside in my mind and trying to find out if others around me have felt like this at times. See my need to seek normalcy? Maybe... or Maybe not. But in the end I would like to say that in our need to be special or fit in there is suffocation, to be free is a state of mind and once can only reach that place when one sees beyond these mere illusions that we have built for ourselves or rather trained to build.
People who have had near death experiences have said that when they are about to die they see their life like a movie reel and then go up to a bright light, which gives them comfort and peace. A place from where they do not want to return. But even then their experiences aren't any different :) I am hoping that maybe I am out here to experience the same someday. When? is just a matter of time I suppose.
It is another form of renunciation where you don't willingly do it, but your circumstances make you experience it. I am not giving up like I am a looser, else I wouldn't have chosen to live my today and work for the tomorrows to come but it all looks deeply unnecessary. Money? I don't care if I died with a zero balance tomorrow or got robbed. Gold? Why do people even wear any ornaments? To look good? As a status symbol? I don't care about either of the two anymore, not that I look like a rag picker, but to me what matters more is an ornate speech and a spirituality and some peace of mind. I could not care more about someone else's life anyways nor do I care whether I am being liked or disliked.
To me relations are now formed because we as humans love permanency, and one way to make sure that we as a socially developed species are secure from being isolated, is to have people around us. The ones we call our near and dear ones who will take care of us in bad days and share our joy in good times. Surprisingly if we had to live like the way the animal world does we will not have any of these relationships because then that means every other individual is a competitor. Thankfully we have thinking capacities which probably make us want more, our hormones that make us want to connect lest we feel depressed and thinking faculties that are more developed than what the animals have.
I happened to listen to a speech by J Krishnamurthy, and its interesting as to what he has to say about things like love: Its bullshit! Because there is no oneness in love, since it arises from our attachment to objects, people or ideas. It involves two people than bring about oneness. I sat there listening to what he was saying and it made sense, it all is rooted in the I, the self. I do not know whether I should be really telling someone that I love them, for what is attached to true love is selflessness. Not really sure if I have been there, because most of the times I have expected emotional support and understanding from those whom I love. These are expectations as well and no there is no selflessness in it.
The other day a friend of mine tried to take an upper hand and insult me, for a moment I chose to introspect, most of these insults arise from either a sense of superiority, anger, disregard for the other person or bitterness. All emotions! All because of the sense of I. Of course after my realization I did not choose to keep quiet, I retorted with an equally snide remark. But perhaps that's when it struck me that that's the difference between any saint and I. Because they are not attached to the self, they have mastered the art of detachment so quite naturally they do not even consider an insult to them as an insult. Because the I is missing!
Chapter 4 of the Gita has been extremely influential in shaping my thoughts lately, it merely asks you to live your life like a spectator and not get attached to it. I have been able to look at my life more objectively than look at it with all those emotions and feelings. My bitterness has gone, my toils do not make me feel exhausted and the humiliation or pain that I suffered is eroding slowly. And at the same time, my achievements or good times in life just look like something that came across my way, by god's grace and are not necessarily permanent. So it leaves me feeling more content than being unhappy about anything in my life that has spiraled downwards so far. It's not a pessimistic way of looking at life, it is a more non attached way of looking at it.
What are people? Souls that never die but are reborn to fulfill their purpose in this life. My association with them might be permanent or impermanent, but then that's the way you get closer to your purpose, at least because of what you experience. I am born in this material plane so of course I have to make sure that I afford whatever I need for my survival, but that big car or this great house all of a sudden has started sounding very petty to me. When there is nobody to compete with, all these things just become insignificant. I want to better myself but my goals are not the materialistic kinds anymore, they are intangible.
We all love to say I am different, for a second it makes me chuckle. Because we all deny the very basic need that has been conditioned in us and that is to fit in to the norms of the society. How then are we different when what we desire is what the rest of the world does as well? That great job, that awesome house, this awesome car, a beloved who is caring, kids that are endearing etc. I am not trying to discourage anyone but it's a fact that what we aspire for is what we are taught and not because it's an innate feeling. How is it any different than someone else's dreams? Barring the little choices I think most of us have almost the copy of everyone elses' needs and wants.
Until now I thought I had a different purpose - I just wanted to be happy! Wow... pretty broad but it stems from the same needs, the same security of a job, a house, family, happy relationships and fitting in with the society or a group. So in what way am I any different? I am sure I would have got a few people thinking by now.
I do not have a very clear purpose of writing this blog today, it just came out of a need to express what's going on inside in my mind and trying to find out if others around me have felt like this at times. See my need to seek normalcy? Maybe... or Maybe not. But in the end I would like to say that in our need to be special or fit in there is suffocation, to be free is a state of mind and once can only reach that place when one sees beyond these mere illusions that we have built for ourselves or rather trained to build.
People who have had near death experiences have said that when they are about to die they see their life like a movie reel and then go up to a bright light, which gives them comfort and peace. A place from where they do not want to return. But even then their experiences aren't any different :) I am hoping that maybe I am out here to experience the same someday. When? is just a matter of time I suppose.
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